TUMBLR TIPS: How To Troll As A Celebrity

1. For Fuck's Sake, Use Anon
This shouldn't have to be said.
And don't ever, ever let them know your actual Tumblr username.

2. If You're Being Serious, Don't (Over)use Memes.
I see this a lot. When I'm doing a serious Ryan Ross-anon, for example, I don't run around screaming "OH MY GOD I LOVE BAGELS AND I DO COCAINE AND I LOVE MY EX-BOYFRIEND WHOSE NAME IS BRENDON URIE AND OMG LOOK AT MY MONSTERCOCK DON'T MY FLORAL SHIRTS AND SCARVES SHOW IT OFF NICELY LOL I MISS MY ROSEVEST." Or when I'm doing a serious Gerard Way-anon, I don't act like, "LOL PRESIDENT KENNEDY AND LOOK HOW POETIC I AM DON'T COMMIT SUICIDE, KIDS. I LOVE MY MIDGET BOYFRIEND FRANK IERO AND HIS MANY DOGS. LOL MOIKAY, UNICORNS DON'T EXIST. LOOK AT THESE FABULOUS FEATHER BOAS, LYNZ GET THE FUCKING CHECKBOOK." That makes you sound like you're trying way too hard.

3. Don't Ever Outright State Who You Are
Hint at it.
I never start off with, "hi i'm ryan ross and i used to be in panic! at the disco." That's tacky and, again, it makes you sound like you're trying too hard. Get their patterns of speech down and subtly hint at it. That adds authenticity.

4. Don't Get Butthurt. Over Anything.
This needs no comment.

The Worst Pizza in Jersey

MR. IERO
A customer!
Wait! What’s yer rush?
What’s yer hurry?
You gave me such a—
Fright. I thought you was a ghost.

Half a minute, can’tcher?
Sit! Sit ye down! Sit!
All I meant is that I
Haven’t seen a customer for weeks.
Did you come here for pizza, sir?
Do forgive me if my head’s a little vague
Ugh! What is that?
But you’d think we had the plague—
From the way that people—
keep avoiding—

No you don’t!
Heaven knows I try, sir!
But there’s no one comes in even to inhale—
Right you are, sir. would you like a drop of ale?
Mind you, I can’t hardly blame them
This is probably the worst pizza in Jersey,
I know why nobody cares to take it—
I should know, I make it.
But good?
No, The worst pizza in Jersey—
Even that’s polite.
The worst pizza in Jersey—
If you doubt it take a bite.

WAY
Ugh!

MR. IERO
Is that just, disgusting?
You have to concede it.
It’s nothing but crusting—
Here drink this, you’ll need it—
The worst pizza in Jersey—
And no wonder with the price of toppins
What it is when you get it.
Never thought I’d live to see the day men’d pay for a whoppin—
Finding poor
Animals
Covered in their droppings

Mr. Toro also has a pie shop,
Does a business, but I notice something weird—
Lately, all his neighbors’ cats have disappeared.
Have to hand it to ‘im—
Wot I calls Enterprise,
Choppin’ pussies onto pies.
Wouldn’t do in my shop—
Just the thought of it’s enough to make you sick.
And I’m telling you them pussy cats is quick.

No denying times is hard, sir—
Even harder than
The worst pizza in Jersey.
Only lard and nothing more—
Is that just revolting?
All greasy and gritty,
It looks like it’s molting,
And tastes like—
Well, pity
A man alone
With limited wind
And the worst pizza in Jersey!
Ah sir,
Times is hard.
Times is hard.

The Piercer and His Wife

GERARD
There was a piercer and his wife
and she was beautiful...
a foolish piercer and his wife.
She was his reason for his life...
and she was beautiful, and she was virtuous.
And he was naive.
There was another man who saw
that she was beautiful...
A pious vulture of the law
who, with a gesture of his claw
removed the piercer from his plate!
And there was nothing but to wait!
And she would fall!
So soft!
So young!
So lost and oh so beautiful!

BRENDON (spoken)
The lady, sir, did she succumb?

GERARD
Ah, that was many years ago...
I doubt if anyone would know.
(spoken)
Now leave me, Brendon.
There is somewhere I must go,
something I must find out.
Now, and alone.

BRENDON (spoken)
So long then, Mr. Way...

GERARD
There's a hole in the world like a great black pit
and it's filled with people who are filled with shit!
And the vermin of the world inhabit it...

No Place Like Jersey

BRENDON
I have seen the world,
beheld its wonders
from the Dardanells
to the mountains of Peru,
But there's no place like Jersey!
I feel home again...
I could hear the city bells ring...
Whatever would I do?
No there's...

GERARD
No place like Jersey...

BRENDON (spoken)
Mr. Way, sir?

GERARD
You are young...
Life has been kind to you...
You will learn.
(Spoken)
'Tis here we go our seperate ways.
Farewell Brendon.
I will not soon forget the good ship Bountiful, nor the young man who saved my life.

BRENDON (spoken)
There's no cause to thank me for that, sir.
It would have been a poor musician indeed who would have spotted you
pinching and tossing on that raft and not given the alarm.

GERARD (spoken)
There's many a musicianwould've done just that and not lost a winks sleep over it either.

BEGGAR WOMAN
Alms, alms for a miserable woman, on a miserable chilly mornin'!
Thank ya, sir, thank ya...
How would ya like a little muff,
dear a little jig-jig,
a little bounce around the bush!
Wouldn't ya like to push me parsley?
It looks to me, dear, that you've got plenty there to push!
Alms, alms for a pitiful woman...
what's got wandering wits?
Hey! Don't I know you, mister?

GERARD (spoken)
Must you glare at me, woman?
Off with you!
Off I say!

BEGGAR WOMAN
Then how would ya like to split me muff?
Mister, we'll go jig-jig!
A little...

GERARD (spoken)
Off I said!
To the devil with you!

BEGGAR WOMAN
Alms, alms for a pitiful woman!

BRENDON (spoken)
Pardon me, sir, but there's no need to fear the likes of her,
she's only a half-crazed beggar woman...
Jersey's full of them.

GERARD
There's a hole in the world like a great black pit
and the vermin of the world inhabit it
and its morals aren't worth what a pin can spit
and it goes by the name of Jersey.
At the top of the hole sit the privileged few
Making mark of the vermin in the lonely zoo
turning beauty to filth and greed...
I too have sailed the world and seen its wonders,
for the cruelty of men is as wondrous as Peru
but there's no place like Jersey!

Prelude: The Ballad of Gerard Way: Attend the Tale of Gerard Way

Attend the tale of Gerard Way.
His skin was pale and he acted gay.
He pierced the faces of women and men
Who never thereafter were heard of again.
He stayed from which few would stray
Did Gerard Way
The rogue piercer of Train Lane
He kept a shop in some old town.
Of fancy clients and good renown
And what if his vengeance was fierce
They all died wonderfully pierced
By Gerard,
by Gerard Way,
the rogue piercer of Train Lane

Shoot your needle deep!
Gerard, hold it to the meek.
Freely flows the blood of those who creep.
His needs were few, his room was bare.
A lavabo and a fancy chair.
A glass of water, a record by the Beatles
Metal and ink and towels and needles
For neatness he deserves a yay,
does Gerard Way,
the rogue piercer of Train Lane.

Inconspicuous Gerard was,
quick, and quiet and clean he was.
Back of his smile, under his word,
Gerard heard music that nobody heard.
Gerard pondered and Gerard planned,
like a perfect machine he planned,
Gerard was smooth, Gerard was subtle,
Gerard would blink, and rats would scuttle
Gerard! Gerard! Gerard! Gerard!
Gerard!

Attend the tale of Gerard Way!
He lived a cruel and avengeful day!
What happened then, well that's the play,
and he wouldn't want us to give it away...

Not Gerard
Not Gerard Way
The rogue piercer of Train...
Lane...